Reality

I haven't posted in a while, haven't stopped. The other night  my friend Jess and I headed to the dream bench to light two lanterns, two different messages, or pleads if you will, to our dear friend. It was quite distressing  when they wouldnt light, (tip: never buy a giant lighter from the poundshop for 99p!!), however, a fine specimen of a man happened to be walking past with his dog, I don't know whether this is stereotypical, but he had an army jacket it on, so I got the idea he was from some millatary background, if so, his training paid off and he managed to successfully light one of the lanterns, which we had been trying to light for near on an hour. He stayed for a while and asked us why we where setting lanterns off, when we told him it was message to a late friend of ours, he felt it his place to leave, which was really respectfull of him, but as he left, the wind picked up, and one pair of hands holding the lit lantern was not enough and it caught fire. We accepted that, maybe the lanterns weren't wanted that night, and we left for home. We decided to try again last night, so again we headed to the dream bench, this time we sheltered down some steps and managed to light it, and successfully fill it with enough hot air for it to go. And it went. And we sent our message, and we watched. Together, but alone. In private hope, thought, prayer if you will.

<3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I've began to read that Madeleine Mcann  book that the Mcann parents wrote and published in "attempt to find Madeleine". Intially, I've fallen into the sceptical, judgemental thinking of a large chunk of the public, in believing that the parents accidently killed Madeleine by unknowingly overdosing her on sleeping tablets, they are both Doctors, they both have access to medicines and narcotics. I always assumed that was what happened, even if it wasnt, at the end of the day, they were the route cause for her death/dissappearance, regardless of how close to the restaurant, them children should not have been left asleep, alone. Im sure that's something the parents deeply regret now themselves.

Anyways, that is what I thought, my thoughts have changed merely two chapters into the book. Maybe it's the account that has changed my ideas, or maybe its recent life events. Maybe that was the parents idea, to write the book, to change peoples view, keep them in the clear. I don't know, I never will know, but how I feel now, is that a little girl was taken from her bed, in a "safe" family resort, by an unknown adult.

For Madeleines sake, I hope the abducter was mereley looking for a child, to care for, maybe they couldn't conceive themselves? And if not and the more obvious view of Paedophile rings and child trafficking is true, then I pray.

Another thing I've been thinking about is people. People in general. Sometimes we find ourselves saying "Oh he is a changed person", "People change", "You've changed" etc. But now,I don't believe people change, I just believe people present a side of themselves, that maybe you've never seen in them before, maybe you like it, maybe you don't. If the person you once new them as is a good person, then maybe you can have hope that the predominance of the personality will be that which you know, with minor intervals of not necessarly displeasing traits but different ones, or maybe the new side what you've seen in a person over powers the person you once knew.

Nobody can help who they are, at the end of the day, I guess  we are all individuals striving to be the best humans we can be.

On a lighter less deep thought, I am going on holiday this afternoon, with one of my best friends Rebecca. I really feel like I need a break, this year has been a one of hard work and endurance and recent events have been mentally exhausting, so on one hand I am indefinatley looking forward to a little holiday, and I couldnt think of a more cheery, fun, caring, wild, loving, amazing friend to go with, but on the other hand, I feel truly selfish, going on holiday, having a break, leaving people I care about very much at home, during the worst and most difficult time of their lives.

Talk in a week. xxxxx

Board Games.

Somebody said to me the other day, "It's mad how all you girls from school have stayed best friends.", and I smiled and nodded and replied "Yup, it's special, very special". Because it is. Many people probably often think that, but nobody says it. I think it too. A group of loud, nervous, overattentive girls who "hung around together" through school, have remained by eachothers side, complimented eachothers growth and grown into a strong family of confident, beautiful, caring women, whom i'm truly proud to call my best friends. I know how very lucky I am to be part of such a special group of girls, we all know how lucky we are. 

Today's been a haphazard kind of day, feelings galore. I awoke feeling agitated, and bored and the more bored I am, the more time I have to just sit, and think. The more I worry, the worse it is for everyone, however my 99p Subway 6inch sandwich did settle me a little, or at least ceased the boredom for a while.

Anyways, yet again, I'm conversing of doom and gloom so, I am going to stop there, and talk of the happy end of my day and the challenges I was challenged to.

Firstly, I STARTED TO LEARN TO TAP DANCE!!! I tapped for a small time as a child, and decided to take it back up, because life is too short, and tap dancing is something I would really like to be able to do. 

I went in thinking my shuffles and tap springs from my more youthful days would get me through, oh no.

Honestly, it is so very difficult, I don't really understand how people can tell their brains to do that and they just "get it" tap tapping away.........I failed epically but, I will, one day be able to tap dance. I hope :/.

After tap class, I visited my friend's house, where all my girls where waiting for me, ready and raring to play a new board game called "The best of British", god did we have some laughs.

Collectively amongst our group, we probably posses about 100 A GCSE grades, yet we all found it difficult to name cakes and trees and the other bizarre knowledge the quiz type questions asked for. 

I could write loads more about the fun we had, but I am truly falling asleep right here, right now, so if this blog is literate I will be surprised!!!

Night yall 

xxx

Life is yours to live.

Today's blog in contrast to yesterdays will be viscous, full and all together, likely uninteresting to many, yet entertaining and valuable to some. 

Real smiles where chased and thrown and caught and fun was had, yet during the exchanges and the moments of  joy, where moments of deep thought and reflection and remembrance. Thoughts for those very close to us whom may see such times as far off and unachievable in this time of pure tragedy, because it is not just a saying, we are literally "thinking of them every moment of every day". 

Our smiles began on an unexpected visit to an ice cream parlor in Seaham. It's a 1950's diner called Lickety Splits and the decor certainly fits the period: a jukebox playing in the corner, dated coca cola advertisements fill the red and white striped wall space and we are presented with every ice cream flavor you could ever imagine. A child's fantasy, my fantasy. 

They had HANNAH MONTANA flavour ice-cream, I believe this alone sets scope for your great minds to ponder upon the variety presented. 

They also sold classic diner snacks too, i.e. hotdogs/burgers etc. I chose a cheese and pickle wrap, if I'm honest I was already nervous about the cheese part anyways, however when it was served, Im pretty sure my cholesterol level upped a few points by me just looking at it. Yes I was scared of the cheese overload in front of me, yes I am going on holiday on Monday, so yes, I will have to fast tomorrow! But so what, it was delicious and worth tomorrows pain :). 

 I will post a link to their website below, so if you ever happen to be near.....lickety split it:

http://www.lickety-split.co.uk/

On the way home, conversation turned to an old mariners house near where my friend lives. She claims it to be "haunted", and recounted some stories of a little girl who used to live there who, theoretically, haunts the place. Apparently the door of this old cottage is often just left wide open, the staircase is directly opposite the door. There have been sightings of the youngster on the staircase, at the top of the stairs, and peeking out from behind the door. Anyways, we drove past to drop Jess off, the cottage door was closed, Jess had just informed us of the story of the cottage and it's "happenings" so when we turned around, Katy B jokingly said "Imagine if the door was open now", I drove past slowly but not suspiciously, as we assumed obviously the door would be closed, as it was literally 10 seconds ago, but NO. The door was wide open, we all screamed, Katie J in some state of hysteria, Katy B getting overtly excited about the whole thing, and me just trying to get us out of the situation. Realistically, it was fairly hilarious, and normally I love eerily unusual happenings , but I got such a great shock, I probably wasted about £7's worth of petrol attempting to get away from the cottage in first gear!!! 

It doesn't end there though, oh no...we all then decided we would gather ourselves, and calmly and slowly drive again past in order to see if we could catch sight of the "young girl". What we saw on the second approach, I can honestly say scared me more than anything has ever scared me before: what appeared to be a young girl with brown hair in rollers, was just sitting in the dark at the top of the stairs!! It took us 3 more drives round the block and back past the cottage to come to the conclusion the what we thought was the girl was in fact a giant china doll :/. Who does that? Who has a china doll perched at the top of their stairs?seriously! That in itself is pretty creepy. 

Finally, a good note to end on.....I saw something this morning, something so small and irrelevant, but it made me smile, so I thought I better share it with you all:

Approaching a zebra crossing, I notice a cat just perched at the side of the road watching the cars, so humanly, so gracefully, so elegantly. Was the cat waiting to cross? Or was the cat merely just perched, unaware of its positioning on the crossing, unaware of its positioning in the human world. However, as the car in front of mine stopped, the cat immediately crossed, perfectly, in the centre of the zebra crossing, as if he knew  that those black and white stripes aid the crossing of busier roads. Beautiful. 

xxx stay strong all

There is no future, there is no past, we live this moment as our last.

Just writing a quick blog today, as I am extraordinarily tired. I've been at work today, I would complain, however, firstly - I need money, and secondly - it's not all too bad. I conformed to the norm this evening, and purchased a pair of "TOMS", you know the 'boathouse' type shoes :

Everyone has been getting them, and usually I despise purchasing juxtapose to trend, however, I really did need some comfy summer shoes to wear with my dresses on holiday. I don't manage well in heels, and my dear friends must be fed up of me wearing my converse at every opportunity. 

Another thing about the Toms shoes, I BEGRUDGED paying the extortionate price! Thankfully my friend used her student discount, yet still paying £29 for sandals is not something I particularly took joy in doing, but nor did I want to pay for some flimsy, uncomfortable copies. It is a loose, loose situation realistically.

I will keep you updated on how they go down with me. 

Tonight, I have felt more helpless than ever. I'm not going to lie, it is so very difficult watching one of my best friends in so much pain, heartache, distress and bewilderment. I don't know how to help, if I can help, nor what to do. I don't think there is a right or a wrong anymore, I don't believe there is a "what to do for the best", and I only hope she realizes how much I love her and as I sit and write this, I am sending strength and love her way. 

No day but today.

How is it that we always believe that our time on earth is endless? Phrases such as "tomorrow", "later", and "i'll get round to it one day" are commonly used in everyday language. We think nothing of it. On June the 1st of this year (2011), a very special lady was suddenly and tragically taken from us: Nadia Wearn was 31 years of age, she was the person who lived life to the absolute fullest, she achieved more in her short time here than many could only hope to achieve in a full lifetime and I don't believe I was ever in her presence when her beaming, gleaming, contagious smile was lacking.The people she encountered and the people she knew, are changed people from merely having crossed paths with her. The tragic loss of the amazing, talented and beautiful Nadia,has left myself and many many others lost for words, shattered and dumbfounded. It seems so unfair that she has just been taken from this earth. I fail to see fairness in the fact that there are people out there whom abuse life to its absolute destructive capacity: take drugs, lay around and use yours and my tax money to fund their addictions, and they survive. Yet this special, caring, devoted daughter, mother, wife, sister, cousin and friend, whom danced every day of her living life, whom passionately spent her own life teaching, nurturing and guiding others into the very same world of dance, whom took care of her self and others, was stolen away! Where is the justice in that?  I have done nothing but question my faith throughout the time since she has passed, it is so difficult to see any reasoning behind this, there is no reasoning, there is no reason. If there is a god, why would he allow this to happen?

 If anything this tragedy has been a reality check, to myself and to others. I have always conformed to the "tomorrow", "later" and "someday" lexis, but who is to say the day will come for any of us? So from this I only hope to do what Nadia would want us all to do: to go on and embrace life and love each other and never regret.

We will all see you soon beautiful girl.

And until then, we will live our lives to the fullest, the same as you did <3