Catch up blog.

It has become somewhat of a rarity for me to post. In all honesty, life has been moving at 100 mph and I haven't really had a spare 5 minutes to blog...which is kind of sad, because I do enjoy reflecting, however monotonous and mundane it may appear to others. So, I started university (Adult Nursing BSc), I would love to explain all about the course and my feelings and generally converse with you all about the degree, however that would be ridiculously unprofessional and breeches confidentiality, so sadly, you shall remain in the dark.
Confidentiality and professionalism:- two terms that I have had to adopt and adopt fast. Im an extrovert, so holding my tongue has always proved challenging, Im a wild fire, so acting in a professional manner has never came naturally. Initially, I kind of feared that I would find becoming a lady of profession challenging, I thought i'd have to change, become introvert, settle the hell down, and then I stopped and realised: displaying a professional manner does not mean I have to become somebody i'm not, It just means I have respect myself more (which is a good thing) and I have to think before I speak, think before I act, and think before I do; more so than I would usually.
For instance, the other evening, I was out with some of my friends, and I bumped into someone whom I don't particularly get on with, this person has done many things to hurt me and has hurt and humiliated good friends of mine beyond imagination! She was very rude when I saw her, and I wanted so badly to say something witty and offensive back, but I remembered to maintain my professionalism, and in the end, was very pleased with my lack of action: 1. It made her seem ridiculously disgusting and pathetic and immature and even more violent than normal (are you's sensing my love toward this human?) and 2. I realised if I had have acted upon my feelings, and said/done something back, I would have been just as bad as her.
So yeah, I concluded from this event, that being professional, is simply acting in a respectful manner, using my head and not my heart :).

Im starting my placement in a hospital next week (for obvious confidentiality reasons I cannot discuss where/when/ or talk of any people). However I will keep posted on progress etc. I'm actually quite nervous, which I guess is normal for most, yet abnormal for me. I can dance in front of 100's of people without a single tremor, yet walking onto a ward and introducing myself and fitting in to the routine scares me to the bone!!! :)

Anyways.....sorry for sending you's (not actually a literary word, but "you's" know what I mean, and "you's" know how annoying it is when people correct this type of grammatical error) to sleep with this factual lifeless update.
Ba bye for now
<3 Peace and Love
xxx

the days fly by so slowly.....

Again......the time frame since my previous blog has been that of significance. I have a lot to update you all on.
First and foremost, the girls holiday, if you could call it a holiday that is, a beautiful disaster may be a more apt reference.
Having arrived in Butterfly Studios (somewhat of a hilarious name for Nat, Jess and I) in Falaraki at around 6pm local time, myself and 9 of my best friends immediately changed into our bathing suits, purchased 6 coronas, 2 amstels and bottle of wkd and settled ourselves in the pool, relaxed, and unaware of the week that lay ahead. I could have sat in that pool in that moment forever, it may have only lasted a short while, but it's times of ultimate settlement like that, where I forget the crazy cruelness of the world and everything that is going on right now, and feel just for a second, that everything is normal. But its not.
The second night my friends and I went on an organised bar crawl, which ended at a foam party, we had pre paid our foam party entrance but the tickets themselves were selling for 20 euro. A lad on a bar crawl opposite ours tried to give the rep a 10 euro note and a 10 dollar bill, the rep realized this and went after the young lad who, clearly under the influence ran into the middle of the road, colliding with a car travelling at about 40 mph. On collision, he was thrown probably about 20 meters, maybe more down the road and landed on his head. By the time we reached that stretch, there were crowds of people, some crying, some shouting, panicking, most in shock at what they had just witnessed. My friend Liz and I went over and tried to help, both being first aid trained and noticing that those assisting him were doing the opposite to what we've been taught to do/ would have done, we tried to offer advice, but got shouted at "They know what they're doing", well, evidently they didn't, but in all fairness, he probably thought we were just being nosy etc, so we just left and waited in the bar across the road. He had significant injury to the head and was hemorrhaging greatly. The ambulance took near on 40 minutes to arrive at the scene and they paramedics were in no great hurry, maybe they see this type of thing everyday, maybe they had given up hope before attempting. I knew the kid would not make it, he had lost far too much blood and had excessive trauma to the head, not including any other injuries and the intoxication of alcohol. But he deserved respect and care as much as anyone.
A while after the ambulance had left, the majority of people around us where dampened and down, but I couldn't help but feel a little angry. I was sorry for the boy and his family and his friends, and I would never ever wish that upon anyone, but I couldn't stop thinking, it was his fault. He made a decision to cheat the rep, he ran into the road trying to be clever, trying to scam someone, full of alcohol, he lost his life for 10 euro. His decisions led to the loss of his life. Nadia didn't do anything wrong, she made no silly decision, she didn't scam anyone, and she was taken, for no reason. And that is what is the hardest to understand.

I shall write soon with the rest of the holiday tales.
x o x o

Results :).

Well.......I got my International Baccalaureate results yesterday. To be honest, I truly honestly thought I had failed. I worked hard and revised as much as humanely possible, but I guess my old sixth form had set me up to fail, I had it drummed into me that I wasn't good enough, wasn't clever enough and that I was generally incapable of achieving good grades. I believed what I was told...but persisted to work as hard as I could. I gave up a lot in attempt to achieve as good a grades as possible, I stopped dancing, limited how much I saw my friends and effectively it led to the break up of a perfectly fine relationship with my boyfriend. Anyways, the tragic events that have occured recently forced me to express how much I "didn't care", when realistically, I did. I tried hard, and I really didn't want to dissapoint my mum, and honestly I couldn't bear breaking news to my dad saying I had failed, I was so scared, terrified to the bone. So 14.45pm yesterday, I was crapping my pants, I've never felt like that before, my heart was beating so so fast. I logged on, and read:
A* English
A maths
A biology
A psychology
B spanish
C chemistry
C theory of knowledge.

SOOOO HAPPPPPYYYY.
The relief I felt was unbelievable. I don't even understand how  I managed to achieve this, I was hysterical after my maths paper, I must have literally just picked up method marks.

I am now in some kind of Limbo, after always wanting to study medicine or pharmacy then applying for nursing as I didnt believe the grades required were posssible, and then acheiving those impossible grades :/ ahhhh!!!!!!!

banannananannanana bannanaannananaan bannanananan bana ban na na

Haven't posted in an even greater significant time period this time, I mean, I have been on holiday and all, but the true reason is merely that I couldn't be arsed!

Holidays......

To be honest, I guess it was hard not to have a lovely time when I was perched in the sunshine, with a cocktail in hand, a steak in tum, and my best friend by my side. 

During the daytime, we predominantly sunbathed, it was during these moments that I found myself lying doing nothing but thinking of the special people back home. I know its not what anyone would want, but I did feel ridiculously guilty that I was on holiday, having a relaxing break, with all this going on back home, leaving friends behind whom are going through the unbearable and most difficult time of their lives :(. 

The evenings were easier, we ate good food, and I tried many different things, which is usually unlike my boring self. We drank cocktails upon cocktails, played games and quizzes and conformed to the generic holiday experience. 

Our last night however was the scariest experience, I don't wish to share the happenings of the evening, as I feel the documentation will indefinitely change your opinion of my character. Lets just say the copious consumption of CH3CH2OH (more commonly known to you un-chemical folk as Alcohol) was a dangerous influence in our evening. 

I can inform you that we had a great time I'm sure of it :).

Movies and Musicals: 

Last night was the opening night of the G&S concert, it was dedicated to the fabulous Nadia, and was nothing less than a perfect tribute. 

I cannot express how proud I am of Nat for staying so strong and professional, so much courage must have been required to commit to the show, let alone dance and sing solo. Both of which were magical, special and heartwarming. And there is no doubt in anyone's........Nadia was watching down and in awe and happiness, as the proudest big sister in the world.  

xoxoxox

Reality

I haven't posted in a while, haven't stopped. The other night  my friend Jess and I headed to the dream bench to light two lanterns, two different messages, or pleads if you will, to our dear friend. It was quite distressing  when they wouldnt light, (tip: never buy a giant lighter from the poundshop for 99p!!), however, a fine specimen of a man happened to be walking past with his dog, I don't know whether this is stereotypical, but he had an army jacket it on, so I got the idea he was from some millatary background, if so, his training paid off and he managed to successfully light one of the lanterns, which we had been trying to light for near on an hour. He stayed for a while and asked us why we where setting lanterns off, when we told him it was message to a late friend of ours, he felt it his place to leave, which was really respectfull of him, but as he left, the wind picked up, and one pair of hands holding the lit lantern was not enough and it caught fire. We accepted that, maybe the lanterns weren't wanted that night, and we left for home. We decided to try again last night, so again we headed to the dream bench, this time we sheltered down some steps and managed to light it, and successfully fill it with enough hot air for it to go. And it went. And we sent our message, and we watched. Together, but alone. In private hope, thought, prayer if you will.

<3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I've began to read that Madeleine Mcann  book that the Mcann parents wrote and published in "attempt to find Madeleine". Intially, I've fallen into the sceptical, judgemental thinking of a large chunk of the public, in believing that the parents accidently killed Madeleine by unknowingly overdosing her on sleeping tablets, they are both Doctors, they both have access to medicines and narcotics. I always assumed that was what happened, even if it wasnt, at the end of the day, they were the route cause for her death/dissappearance, regardless of how close to the restaurant, them children should not have been left asleep, alone. Im sure that's something the parents deeply regret now themselves.

Anyways, that is what I thought, my thoughts have changed merely two chapters into the book. Maybe it's the account that has changed my ideas, or maybe its recent life events. Maybe that was the parents idea, to write the book, to change peoples view, keep them in the clear. I don't know, I never will know, but how I feel now, is that a little girl was taken from her bed, in a "safe" family resort, by an unknown adult.

For Madeleines sake, I hope the abducter was mereley looking for a child, to care for, maybe they couldn't conceive themselves? And if not and the more obvious view of Paedophile rings and child trafficking is true, then I pray.

Another thing I've been thinking about is people. People in general. Sometimes we find ourselves saying "Oh he is a changed person", "People change", "You've changed" etc. But now,I don't believe people change, I just believe people present a side of themselves, that maybe you've never seen in them before, maybe you like it, maybe you don't. If the person you once new them as is a good person, then maybe you can have hope that the predominance of the personality will be that which you know, with minor intervals of not necessarly displeasing traits but different ones, or maybe the new side what you've seen in a person over powers the person you once knew.

Nobody can help who they are, at the end of the day, I guess  we are all individuals striving to be the best humans we can be.

On a lighter less deep thought, I am going on holiday this afternoon, with one of my best friends Rebecca. I really feel like I need a break, this year has been a one of hard work and endurance and recent events have been mentally exhausting, so on one hand I am indefinatley looking forward to a little holiday, and I couldnt think of a more cheery, fun, caring, wild, loving, amazing friend to go with, but on the other hand, I feel truly selfish, going on holiday, having a break, leaving people I care about very much at home, during the worst and most difficult time of their lives.

Talk in a week. xxxxx

Board Games.

Somebody said to me the other day, "It's mad how all you girls from school have stayed best friends.", and I smiled and nodded and replied "Yup, it's special, very special". Because it is. Many people probably often think that, but nobody says it. I think it too. A group of loud, nervous, overattentive girls who "hung around together" through school, have remained by eachothers side, complimented eachothers growth and grown into a strong family of confident, beautiful, caring women, whom i'm truly proud to call my best friends. I know how very lucky I am to be part of such a special group of girls, we all know how lucky we are. 

Today's been a haphazard kind of day, feelings galore. I awoke feeling agitated, and bored and the more bored I am, the more time I have to just sit, and think. The more I worry, the worse it is for everyone, however my 99p Subway 6inch sandwich did settle me a little, or at least ceased the boredom for a while.

Anyways, yet again, I'm conversing of doom and gloom so, I am going to stop there, and talk of the happy end of my day and the challenges I was challenged to.

Firstly, I STARTED TO LEARN TO TAP DANCE!!! I tapped for a small time as a child, and decided to take it back up, because life is too short, and tap dancing is something I would really like to be able to do. 

I went in thinking my shuffles and tap springs from my more youthful days would get me through, oh no.

Honestly, it is so very difficult, I don't really understand how people can tell their brains to do that and they just "get it" tap tapping away.........I failed epically but, I will, one day be able to tap dance. I hope :/.

After tap class, I visited my friend's house, where all my girls where waiting for me, ready and raring to play a new board game called "The best of British", god did we have some laughs.

Collectively amongst our group, we probably posses about 100 A GCSE grades, yet we all found it difficult to name cakes and trees and the other bizarre knowledge the quiz type questions asked for. 

I could write loads more about the fun we had, but I am truly falling asleep right here, right now, so if this blog is literate I will be surprised!!!

Night yall 

xxx

Life is yours to live.

Today's blog in contrast to yesterdays will be viscous, full and all together, likely uninteresting to many, yet entertaining and valuable to some. 

Real smiles where chased and thrown and caught and fun was had, yet during the exchanges and the moments of  joy, where moments of deep thought and reflection and remembrance. Thoughts for those very close to us whom may see such times as far off and unachievable in this time of pure tragedy, because it is not just a saying, we are literally "thinking of them every moment of every day". 

Our smiles began on an unexpected visit to an ice cream parlor in Seaham. It's a 1950's diner called Lickety Splits and the decor certainly fits the period: a jukebox playing in the corner, dated coca cola advertisements fill the red and white striped wall space and we are presented with every ice cream flavor you could ever imagine. A child's fantasy, my fantasy. 

They had HANNAH MONTANA flavour ice-cream, I believe this alone sets scope for your great minds to ponder upon the variety presented. 

They also sold classic diner snacks too, i.e. hotdogs/burgers etc. I chose a cheese and pickle wrap, if I'm honest I was already nervous about the cheese part anyways, however when it was served, Im pretty sure my cholesterol level upped a few points by me just looking at it. Yes I was scared of the cheese overload in front of me, yes I am going on holiday on Monday, so yes, I will have to fast tomorrow! But so what, it was delicious and worth tomorrows pain :). 

 I will post a link to their website below, so if you ever happen to be near.....lickety split it:

http://www.lickety-split.co.uk/

On the way home, conversation turned to an old mariners house near where my friend lives. She claims it to be "haunted", and recounted some stories of a little girl who used to live there who, theoretically, haunts the place. Apparently the door of this old cottage is often just left wide open, the staircase is directly opposite the door. There have been sightings of the youngster on the staircase, at the top of the stairs, and peeking out from behind the door. Anyways, we drove past to drop Jess off, the cottage door was closed, Jess had just informed us of the story of the cottage and it's "happenings" so when we turned around, Katy B jokingly said "Imagine if the door was open now", I drove past slowly but not suspiciously, as we assumed obviously the door would be closed, as it was literally 10 seconds ago, but NO. The door was wide open, we all screamed, Katie J in some state of hysteria, Katy B getting overtly excited about the whole thing, and me just trying to get us out of the situation. Realistically, it was fairly hilarious, and normally I love eerily unusual happenings , but I got such a great shock, I probably wasted about £7's worth of petrol attempting to get away from the cottage in first gear!!! 

It doesn't end there though, oh no...we all then decided we would gather ourselves, and calmly and slowly drive again past in order to see if we could catch sight of the "young girl". What we saw on the second approach, I can honestly say scared me more than anything has ever scared me before: what appeared to be a young girl with brown hair in rollers, was just sitting in the dark at the top of the stairs!! It took us 3 more drives round the block and back past the cottage to come to the conclusion the what we thought was the girl was in fact a giant china doll :/. Who does that? Who has a china doll perched at the top of their stairs?seriously! That in itself is pretty creepy. 

Finally, a good note to end on.....I saw something this morning, something so small and irrelevant, but it made me smile, so I thought I better share it with you all:

Approaching a zebra crossing, I notice a cat just perched at the side of the road watching the cars, so humanly, so gracefully, so elegantly. Was the cat waiting to cross? Or was the cat merely just perched, unaware of its positioning on the crossing, unaware of its positioning in the human world. However, as the car in front of mine stopped, the cat immediately crossed, perfectly, in the centre of the zebra crossing, as if he knew  that those black and white stripes aid the crossing of busier roads. Beautiful. 

xxx stay strong all